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| So the semester is almost over. Two finals on Friday then I'm done for the winter. Just had Mexican for lunch. Jurostizos or something like that. I haven't been completely honest with anyone. I guess I'm giving little tidbits here and there. Basically, I'm an existential crisis. I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I've been feeling very insignificant in retrospect to the entire universe. I've been in a dark place, a place I've been able to avoid for most of my life. I knew it was coming. As a child I felt this way. Obviously, this is a first world problem. It's of no importance to most people I know and all the people I don't know. In light of all my family problems that never seem to end, which is more or less private, this has really nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with Patrick - a short lived flame or any of my friends I may or may not be in a pickle with. I feel like I don't exist. You know people think of you a lot less than you think they do, and I think that applies extra to me. I should stop being vague. I don't think I'm depressed, but I do spend an awful amount of time in the bath. I don't think I have any kind of brain disfuntion. I'm mostly disoriented. I have a tough time acknowledging my location, how I got there, why I'm there. I've inverted routine and spontaneity. I forget that I have a face. It's weird for me to think that other people think and how they think is scary for me. I'm insecure about my presence in my own presence. I lay in bed and watch the hours pass and then go to sleep. I call my family and friends and wonder if they're really my family and friends on the other line. It's hard to imagine them there and compare that to how I would perceive them in real life. I feel like a ghost in my suite. In the digital world, I'm completely different, and Actress. Except for here. Any written form of myself is a misrepresentation of me. I don't want to impress anyone.
I'm nervous all the time. I feel a mental breakdown coming, but I warn my faithful 3 readers to worry not. I'm fine.
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| wow. nearly a whole semester without an update.
it's been a crazy one, that's for sure.
Made a lot of awesome friends this time around.
I absolutely love having my own room.
I miss my kitty sometimes.
DOG is going slowly but surely.
Grades are meh.
Hannah is cool.
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| This is my favorite picture of me and my mother. Yes, even before the glamour shots we took for my fourth birthday.
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| So today was my last day working at Six Flags.
I wish I could say I flipped em off and belted, "I Quit, Fuck off." (Which sounds like a totally awesome lyric)
but no, I handed in my two weeks and then big italier'n weddinged it out of this world and then worked four miserable days, the last being worse than the first. It was like the final exam to six flags. Hannah is on patio and make her do it herself. See how she can handle the entire johnney Rocket patio, sup? For like five hours until they sent someone out to get the masery settled and at this point Im just righting whats in my head.
But anyway, it was peaceful. It's like your birthday, you dont want people you barely know that its your birthday because then theyll wanna throw like some office party. There's no parties at six flags, but I didn't want people to know so they wouldnt make such a big deal, Ohhh its your last dayy, hhow are you feelin'?
I feel like thats something I would do also if I ever planned my death or knew, by result from psychic powers or something supernatural; if I knew I was gonna die then, pretend that it is just a normal day or have everyone ive ever met (and want to meet) in a ballroom as the clock strikes midnight and I Go.
Both are good ideas. I didn't tell anyone. I barely know these people and they know me by name and they're nice people even if all the boys are under 18 and a baby daddy. The baby daddy and baby momma ratio was actually about the same. I even had a crush on this guy who looked like Benicio Del Toro. Oh my he was hawt and a gentlemen. (as much as one can be in the workplace)
I will miss Nina from Moldova. I imagine her rolling in the grasses of Eastern Europe. I'm not kidding. I fell in love with this girl when I first saw her. She's one of three women that if I had the opportunity to be with I would throw hetero/straight lifestyle in the gutter. She is partly the inspiration of Dog. Maybe one day I'll find her in Moldova.
I did feel slight sling blade-ish when I walked Anthony to the charts office. He's a good guy, a dick, is annoying a lot of the time, but only because I'm stressed already; and I wish people didn't pick on him. He's not standard.
I'm a little ticked Stephanie the supervisor invited everyone at work to this dinner thing besides me and anthony.
I will miss Carolina and the other Moldavian girl who looks like a russian whore. But a great one. She had a low voice.
My six flags card nearly flew into the wind today after I swore on my rabbitses graves that I would never ever ever ever never ever go back. Guess it was a sign.
So now I'm here. Guess I've only been home for an hour feels like forever.
The next couple days will be jam packed with friends and jam packed boxes.
-HB | | |
| The only thing that I wanted out of my cousins wedding was to get laid by a hawt italian.
Cause I know I should keep high expectations for myself.
Totally dirty danced, you know bump and grind? and him spinning me around in circles whilst michael jackson and cindi lauper played.
and his hands were all over me.
And he thought it was cute that I had to pull the top of the dress up to hold in my bodacious tatas.
and he had his head buried into my neck...
and kissed me on the cheek and told me to keep in touch.
AND HE WAS THE BEST MAN!
and he was italian. and hawt. | | |
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